The following essay, “I’ve Never Told Anyone These Secrets From My Childhood” by an anonymous incarcerated writer appears on the Prison Writers website.

Child abuse acts as a significant precursor to criminal activity, with studies indicating that abused or neglected children are 11 times more likely to engage in crime as adults. This often creates a “cycle of violence” where victims become perpetrators due to trauma, antisocial behavioral modeling, and social alienation.

Excerpts from the essay appear below.

TW: descriptions of child abuse

Being able to sit down and express certain secrets from my childhood and upbringing is a bit more difficult than I expected. 

I’m now 44 years old as I sit in this cell serving a 30-year prison sentence for a first-degree murder charge. Here, I reflect on EVERYTHING. And as much as I could blame my upbringing and my childhood for molding me, I take responsibility. But what society and others unlike myself need to realize and respect is that when a child is raised under certain circumstances, dysfunctional behaviors become normal.

My childhood was filled with fighting, getting suspended from school, skipping school, running away from home, being placed in detention centers and foster homes, and going to special schools. It got so bad for me by the age of five, six, and even seven years old that I spent 90 percent of my childhood in detention centers juvenile facilities. 

I was a troublesome and mentally-challenging child from the start. Even to this day, I still have issues. But my mother used to beat me so bad and in such a disruptive manner that her actions imbedded violence inside me – my mother used to beat me with leather belts, extension cords, wooden and metal coat hangers, pocketbooks, and anything she could get easily grab.

My mother never hugged me or told me that she loved me. I was isolated, beaten, and abused — that’s just the way it was for me. When I was a kid, a white man from across the street used to throw food to me through my bedroom window. I’d share it with my sister. This type of harsh treatment got so bad that I’d run away from home on purpose to get locked up – just so I could get away from my mother.  

Over time, it grew inside me and, without being addressed or treated, I grew into a violent and aggressive man. But, at the same time, it was both a gift and a curse, because I vowed to never hit my kids or to talk to them the way my mother talked to me.

Now that I’m older and I look back to try to identify why my mentality and ways are like they, it was because of the manner in which I was groomed and raised by my mother, and what I had to feel back then. I’m still emotionally scarred from the shit I went through. What parent uses starvation as a punishment tool for their child?!!! That’s cruel and some really fucked up shit. 

So, please don’t judge me because, push comes to shove, 99.99 percent of every human would do the same. God bless prison writers and the good people who try to give prisoners a voice. This way others can better understand the people that scare them and the stereotypes they believe. God bless the creators. 

You can read the full essay, “Secrets from My Childhood” by an incarcerated writer who wished to remain anonymous, at the Prison Writers website. Prison Writers offers uncensored, personal stories and thoughtful essays from incarcerated citizens across the country about what really goes on inside the secretive world of prison corrections.